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Letter to friends and family on my exit from AA

(Dated Feb 2006)

This is probably the most important letter I will ever send you. Don’t just skim over that sentence – read it again. If you are in a rush or busy come back to it; it will wait. What is contained amongst these words will be extremely disturbing, whether you agree with them or not. The repercussions for society as a whole are massive, but for now all I can consider are the repercussions for me. If we are to get through this we need to unlearn and ‘forget’ all we think we know about alcoholism and addiction. We have invested a lot of time, effort and money into trying to deal with my addiction and because of that we will try to persuade ourselves that what we have done is the right thing. At this stage I cannot afford to make too many judgements, but I will add this – you have all without exception been there for me and there is no doubt in my mind that you have all acted in good faith, and with my best interests at heart. No one, not even A.A. will ever make me doubt that.  For some time now (before I came to **** ****) I have had my doubts about A.A., and some very serious concerns. During this time it occurred to me that there was very little I could do about these doubts, except investigate them alone. It has been the most exhausting three months of my life; I have had to leave myself at the door of every room I have walked into, having to wear the mask of A.A. Why did I not air these concerns? The answer to this follows, but it is so complicated, complex and my beliefs have been built on such a shaky foundation, that the process of explanation is exhausting in itself. As you read this I beg of you not to consider that I might be wrong, in teaching with A.A. dogma, but to consider that I maybe right; if you do it the other way round, the mere realisation of the consequences of me being wrong will end any chance of a reasonable and rational look at this. Again, I ask you to reread that sentence and only to continue once you have truly understood what that means. (Before you read on I have been publishing extracts of this anonymously on an Internet blog as my only form of release, and as such, I may refer to ‘the family’ when I mean you.)

I have decided to write this because I feel as though my experience needs to be expressed. It has been a very difficult decision to reach as Alcoholics Anonymous and many 12 step fellowships have ‘helped’ many people. However they have also hindered as many, if not more people. My fundamental objection to Alcoholics Anonymous is in its unwritten but very apparent doctrine that it is the only way in which to achieve sobriety. Using this belief it renders its program as unquestionable and closes the door on any scrutiny. Any institution that does not allow its members to ask questions of its validity is dangerous in my opinion. In this I shall relate my personal experience of the 12 steps, and AA meetings, both past and present. I have decided to continue to attend these meetings and practice one of AA’s most encouraged virtues, honesty. I shall share my experience with my groups and I shall openly criticise AA and its program of recovery, raising my concerns and issues with it. One of the slogans often quoted ‘in the rooms’ is, ‘you know nothing, the program knows everything.’ In the past when I have dared to suggest any shortcomings in the program I have been accused of being sick, a dry drunk and constitutionally incapable of being honest. If honesty in the eyes of AA is hiding ones doubts of the program, then I am indeed incapable of being honest. I am still very much confused, and ask you to forgive me of any obvious inconsistencies in this, although please feel free to point them out to me. My head is suffering from a divided will; on the one hand it is telling me to investigate my doubts, but on the other, it is quick to remind me that if I don’t follow this program, I am going to die of drinking, or worse, end up in jail or an institution. If this is not clear, it will become clearer as you read this. I have been indoctrinated with a belief system that tells me when I do what I want ‘I screw everything up’ and to that end I have had to consider the consequences of questioning A.A.. In this instance the personal consequences could be dire. As soon as I begin to question this program my fear is that I will be labelled a ‘dry drunk’ by all my ‘friends’ in AA. The family and my friends, or ‘earth people’ as they are known ‘in the rooms,’ will start suggesting I go back to treatment for aftercare, talk to my sponsor, and get to a meeting. They will do that because that is what I have sworn by for so long now, and what they have come to see as the solution to my problems. If I do not do these things the likelihood is they will doubt me until I do, forever suspicious of my ‘wellness.’ Even they have become indoctrinated by this stuff, and most frighteningly not by AA, but by myself. Within the structure of the 12 steps I have been coerced into making ‘false’ confessions about my past not only to myself, but to the family. I have had to admit all my wrongdoings and I have had to make amends for these failings. In doing so, the people closest to me have been duped into believing that I need this program even more than I have been duped into believing it. The knee-jerk reaction will be not to trust me because of the many lies I told (and admitted to in my amends) when I was drinking or to see this an attempt to drink again; as a means of manipulation. It is none of those things, I simply want myself back, although at the moment I have no idea what that is. If I am to do that and keep the family and friends outside of AA then I am going to have to prove my doubts, prove that my concerns are founded. To do this I will draw on a wide range of literature; no one should trust my word alone, that I am sure of at the moment. Just because I have these grave concerns about AA, that does not mean I am wonderful, and thus ok. I am a very mixed up and puzzled person at the moment. By writing this I hope to reach some clarity.

There is only one thing more evil than pure evil, and that is evil being masqueraded as good. That is how I would describe Alcoholics Anonymous. That revelation will both shock and unsettle you. Knowing where to start in proving this is extremely hard. I am not convinced it will ever be entirely possible.

As an ‘alcoholic’ when I reached my rock bottom and had no option but to turn around and ask for help, I was reintroduced to the 12 steps. Eight years earlier I had been in sobriety for 9 months until one evening in treatment I decided to have a drink. I was asked to leave the rehabilitation centre and given 20 minutes to pack my bags. At the time I felt it was a fair reaction, after all we cannot have people drinking or taking drugs in a rehab. But if I take the time to think about what had happened in those nine months, it is amazing that I managed to survive 8 years ‘out there.’ I put that in inverted commas because that is how ‘alcoholics’ refer to their drinking days. I assume this is in reference to not being ‘in the rooms.’ Being ‘in the rooms’ constitutes being a sober ‘alcoholic’; ‘working’ the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and attending meetings. You might be confused because I had been admitted into treatment for heroin addiction, but I left an ‘alcoholic’ despite the fact I had hardly ever drunk. Very early on in my treatment I was told I could never drink safely again because I was a heroin addict, and ‘it’s all the same stuff.’ I began to adopt this approach and belief until eventually I started identifying myself as an ‘alcoholic’/addict.  8 years later, having been thrown out of rehab for drinking, I returned to treatment for what was now my realised alcoholism. Initially my reaction was to surrender to the program, and the counsellors as they had been right all along; I was an ‘alcoholic’ after all. The following extract gives an explanation as to why this may have been the case…

Unfortunately, many non-religious alcoholics do drink themselves to death after investigating AA and rejecting it because of its religiosity. In all too many cases, that appears to be the result of their acceptance of the AA myth that alcoholics who reject AA are doomed to an alcoholic hell. This belief frequently becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If those too honest to “fake it until [they] make it” believe that their only choice is between abandoning their integrity (by embracing AA and participating in an endless series of dreary religious meetings) or continuing to drink, it’s little wonder that a great many eventually do drink themselves to death. (Bufe retrieved here.)

So what happened in those 9 months 8 years ago? Exactly what’s happened in the last year I have been sober. Let’s start at the basics, an addict’s first meeting. Mine was at The ***** Hospital in ********* on the 3rd of July 1997. I was 19 years old. I cannot remember much except for one very important ‘fact’ being aired in the room. This so-called ‘fact’ was that Alcoholics Anonymous was the only proven way to stay sober and those who don’t surrender to its principles will drink. To the average temperate drinker that might not seem overly significant until we consider the other subtle messages coming from the people in that room. AA instils a belief in its members early on that as ‘alcoholics’ to drink is to die. No one ‘in the rooms’ says if you don’t work the steps you will die, but many say if you do not work the steps you will drink in one sentence, and then in another they will say, if you drink you’ll die, but they never say those two things together. In chapter 5 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it does go as far as to say,

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. (Note this paragraph starts with a reasonable statement about resentment, but somehow ends in equating resentment to death. J.G.)

 In that meeting they made me feel very special and labelled me the newcomer and with that the most important person in the room. They reassured me that everything in AA is suggested and that there are no rules. I remember feeling that these were very friendly people who would go to any lengths to help me. And thus my initiation into AA was complete.

The Priory adopts what is called the Minnesota model of recovery which combines the 12 steps with conventional therapy. Attendance at meetings is mandatory as is an acceptance of the 12 steps as the only form of recovery available to addicts. On top of meetings patients are required to attend workshops, all meals, one to one and group therapy sessions. I remember the head of the ATD telling us (the addicts and alcoholics) that we were not to eat with the other patients in the hospital, and any contact with them should be minimal. Patients rarely question the goings on. No one ends up in treatment on a winning streak, and we arrive there with some hope for the first time in a long while, and for many of us that hope is all we have. We go there in the belief we will be helped to sort out our problems, and most of us are desperate to do just that. We assume we are in the hands of experts in the field of the solution to our problem, the treatment of addiction. For all these reasons coupled with the fact we want to get well, we trust these experts. When we walk through the doors we are effectively saying I cannot manage, can you show me how? It did not occur to me to question anything, or anyone. Acceptance of AA came very easily to me. I am not sure acceptance is the right word. Let me explain. When I arrived in treatment, and thus the rooms of AA, everyone in my life was angry with me and I felt very alone and very isolated. I soon realised these people would give me the one thing I craved which of course was acceptance from people but at a cost. In order to be accepted by them I had to accept ‘the program.’ My addiction had forced me into the role of people pleaser. In other words I would do almost anything to be liked by anyone. I started saying things I did not even believe, and quoting passages from AA literature and preaching to the other people in treatment. I wanted approval from the only authority in my life at that time, the counsellors. It is important to note the majority of these were members of 12 step fellowships.

The explanation of the first three steps appears on the steps page of this site so many of you may have already read this. Scroll down to read the rest of the letter.

Step One – The War on Self.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

As I have said I am still very confused as my mind has so many voices screaming at me as soon as I look at this step. I cannot over emphasis how pivotal this step has been in the foundation of not only my recovery, but also my beliefs, over the last year. But any examination of this step would be incomplete without acknowledging the point at which it became a sacred and central belief.  I first admitted that I was powerless over alcohol when I was 19. I had been a heroin addict for 1 and a half years, and as such I did not drink while using heroin for obvious reasons. I left boarding school at 18, where we were not allowed to drink. It does not take a statistician to deduce from these facts that I had not drunk a tremendous amount up to that point. I believe this step creates ‘alcoholics’, rather than helping them. Of course there are people who have drunk to such an extent that a conclusion of powerlessness would make sense, but I am not convinced a teenager falls into that bracket. I need to write that again because it is an epiphany to me – an admission of powerlessness over alcohol creates ‘alcoholics.’ This is a serious allegation; if you can call it that (I am not sure who the allegation would be against – see tradition 11). The foundation of every ‘recovering’ alcoholic, addict, gambler, adult child of alcoholic, overeater, co-dependent, etc is built on a belief of personal powerlessness over the object of their problem. I want to put it to you that this step does not state the problem, it creates it, and in doing so has the desired effect of producing a dependence on Alcoholics Anonymous. If we take my experience, I left treatment at 20believing I was an ‘alcoholic’, despite the fact I was not, and as soon as I picked up a drink it felt like a total failure. I had spent the previous 9 months day in day out telling people in treatment and in meetings, that I was an ‘alcoholic’ and going into great detail about my limited consequences of drink. The belief I was an ‘alcoholic’ was very deep routed in me after that. Why would I admit to something that was so clearly untrue? Being told you are in denial by your counsellor and 20 patients starts to grate after a while. That coupled with subtle slogans like, ‘your best thinking got you here’ and ‘D.E.N.I.A.L. Didn’t Even Notice I Am lying,’ all helped instil the ‘alcoholic’ belief in me. They had not broken down my defences to get to the problem; they had broken me down and prepared me to receive the problem. When I was thrown out of treatment for drinking, no alternative suggestion for a solution was offered to me because to have done so would have been in direct conflict with the other dangerous belief they instilled in me, that A.A. was the only way. I continued to drink with few consequences, but each negative experience with alcohol, no matter how small, fed the belief that I was an ‘alcoholic’, until eventually I became one. By the end of my drinking I would not even consider stopping because I assumed I was powerless over alcohol – I absolutely believed that I could not stop without A.A. and going to meetings, so I did not even try. I would think I am powerless over this, and this is how it is. If I want to stop I have to suffer enough to want to go to A.A., because A.A. is the only way. When the consequences of this self-fulfilling ‘alcoholic’ prophecy began to get worse, I told myself that A.A. had been right after all, everything they had said had happened, and so I went back to them believing I had now suffered enough to work their program. But before I did that I took heroin again, which I had not done for 8 years – I believed I had become an ‘alcoholic’, and when I realised that I could not separate it from being a heroin addict, which was in direct teaching with A.A. and N.A. If that is not shocking enough, imagine the power of this step when alcohol is replaced with people, places and things, which is common practice. When something bad has happened to someone, they often turn around and say, ‘Oh well, I’m powerless’, as if this is an acceptable explanation, and state of mind. An admission of powerlessness over any person, place or thing, is encouraged in A.A. and is seen as a strength. As I wrote that I looked up in disbelief. I feel so desperately foolish and silly for having been duped. I am a 28 year old man, I am not small either, and I have been through some very hard times in my life, but since questioning A.A for the first time, I have started crying for no apparent reason at any given moment. I am just so confused, so deflated by it all. When I reached the ultimate truth surrounding step 1 I felt my soul literally drop out of me. The other slogans that help create the ‘alcoholic’ belief in people include, ‘no one ends up in A.A. by accident,’ and ‘if you drunk enough to come to A.A., you’ve drunk enough.’ I am sitting here wondering what would happen if someone who wanted to stop drinking for a medical condition went to A.A. (A medical condition that was not brought on by alcohol, but rather is worsened by it.) That person would be allowed to attend meetings in keeping with Tradition 3, ‘The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.’

Step 2 – The ‘solution.’
 
We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house. (A.A. Big Book.)

The war on self continues in this step. We are admitting we are insane, the opposite of sanity. A slogan used for this step is, ‘came, came to, came to believe.’ Quite clever really, but entirely false in my opinion. In step one we are reduced to nothing, or put another way, induced into being receptive to the ‘solution,’ which is God, despite the fact God is not mentioned. (See Step 3) In the rooms they will tell you that you can believe in anything, as long as it is outside of yourself. For many, including myself, it was A.A. itself, as is suggested by many old timers. On the surface this belief in A.A. seems both healthy and rational. But like everything in this program, the good half is branded around and put in a slogan, whilst the bad and negative attributes are hushed and silenced. It is not what A.A. says that we should be concerned about, it is what it does not say we should really look out for.

Step 3 – Dependence on the ‘solution.’

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

In essence I put it to you that whether you choose God or A.A. as your ‘Higher Power’, we are essentially preparing ourselves for Step 3 in the previous step. If you believe in God, you believe he works through the rooms, and if you don’t, you believe in the rooms – the beliefs might be rooted in different areas, but the outcome is the same. Agnostics, atheists and even believers, turn their wills over to A.A. A.A. believes that alcoholics carry the message of God’s will for one another. You are expected to share in meetings and take on the suggestions of your sponsor as there are no rules in A.A. just suggestions, but as is often said, ‘if you jump out of an aeroplane it is suggested you wear a parachute.’ If you come to believe in this step the final nail in the coffin for alcoholics goes in; the dependence on alcohol is replaced with an absolute dependence on A.A., regardless of creed or beliefs.

The rest of the steps need little explanation simply because once you have accepted step 1 – 3, and thus handed you will and your life over to A.A., you are committed to working the rest of the steps as they are effectively A.A. But the war on self continues through confession in Steps 4 and 5, which instil guilt and shame and thus increase dependency on A.A. In Steps 6 and 7 we ask God to remove our defects of character – leading to a heightened self consciousness but not of our strengths, but rather our weaknesses, again reinforcing our need on A.A. to remove them. In 8 – 9 we confess our sins to those we have hurt and in doing so indoctrinate them with the belief that we need A.A. Step 10 is like the loop line in a computer program and gets us to practice steps 4 – 9 on a daily basis, there by ensuring we can never ‘graduate’ from the program. 11 is discussed later, and 12 encourages us to practice these principles in all our affairs, and to carry this message to other alcoholics, effectively reducing us to salesman for the program. This is a very basic summary of the steps, and they obviously have some good aspects to them, but if they didn’t, no one would fall for them. If they were so obviously bad then that would be better, but as they are, it is the good that they do that is in fact what makes them so dangerous.

My suspicions began to arise over Christmas when I was increasingly feeling pressured by A.A. to see the family as ‘sick.’ No one came out and said it but the ‘suggestions’ subtly being delivered to me were quite clear. I cannot prove this , but for now it is irrelevant because it is what it led to that is of most significance – a questioning of the program. Someone had suggested to me that the problem for me was the fact that I constantly ran to the problem in search of the solution, the problem in this instance being the family. I took this on board, because I had never questioned anything in A.A., it just does not happen. As individuals we are ‘sick’ and A.A. is all powerful, all knowledgeable and always right. A.A. used its most classic ‘bait and switch’ trick. That is, it states a problem seemingly reasonably, and rationally, but then once it has you accepting the problem, it then offers an entirely irrational solution, but where it crosses the line is very murky. (See the process of Step 1 – 3 bearing in mind that in Step 12 we agreed ‘…to practice these principles in all our affairs.’) The problem always inevitably is an assault on the self, instilling guilt and shame, and the solution always involves an increased dependence on A.A. In this example, the problem was the family but it was my choice to be with them. The solution was to limit contact with them, there by weakening my relationship with them, and increasing my dependence on A.A. Perhaps this needs further clarification. The family is the problem, I turn to God, or A.A. as stated in step 3 for direction as to what to do. The people in A.A. remind me of Step One, insisting that I am powerless over people, places and things. The solution is to limit contact with them, and go to meetings, in effect reducing self-empowerment, and instilling a greater dependence on A.A. Each time you practice steps 1 -3 your dependence on A.A. increases.  If you show any sign of dissent and a desire to question this process, you are reminded that if you do not practice the steps you will drink, and if you drink you will die. Classic ‘bait and switch’ again.

I went along with this for a while and began to plan my withdrawal from the family. However there was a renewed urgency in my life. Somewhere inside me I felt this was wrong, despite meeting after meeting. I came home one evening, sat at my computer and realised I was being asked to choose sobriety or my connection with the family. I felt virtuous for a moment as I was willing to place my sobriety even above the family, reinforcing how important my sobriety was to me and how far I had come. Then the realisation of what I was being asked to do dawned on me and I asked myself, what if this/they is wrong? No matter how hard I tried to dispel these thoughts, they always returned. I would say to myself, you can’t doubt this or you will die. Your family want you to be sober, this is what they want you to do because they don’t want you to die. However those words kept repeating in my head, ‘…the problem is that you run to the problem for the solution.’ I said to myself I don’t run to anything anymore other than A.A. BANG! A light bulb went off in my head. Could it be the case that the problem I was running to was A.A? This was a terrifying moment. Everything I had built my sobriety on and with my mindset at the time, my life, was dependent on A.A. I considered what I would have without A.A. The answer was even more devastating. I had to then make a choice to ignore these thoughts and accept A.A. as it was better to have A.A. rather than nothing, or would I question this and reach the truth. Bear in mind I did not know whether I was right or not at the time. I did not take this decision lightly because one thing I knew was if I was to investigate this program, I would have to do it alone and in isolation. It was during this time I stumbled across the following quote in the A.A. Big Book…

There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance -- that principle is contempt prior to investigation. (Herbert Spencer)

I asked myself what was the principle of admiration prior to investigation? Was that not an equally ignorant mindset? Bill Wilson aimed that towards those alcoholics who had decided A.A. was not for them despite having never been to a meeting. But what of those ‘alcoholics’ like myself who had been to A.A. and never really investigated it? I had done everything suggested, and in that sense I had investigated it, but I had never investigated its principles. Whenever I asked any ‘difficult’ questions my sponsor would turn around to me and use the most quoted slogan in A.A., ‘Keep it simple, stupid.’ I would be accused of over intellectualising, of analysis paralysis, and for a while I put my thoughts down to these things. I soon realised I could not air my concerns in A.A. and that to do so may even be dangerous, as they cut down my arguments before I had even finished talking, suggesting I was in denial and that if I did not regain my belief in this program I would drink, and therefore die. So who else could I turn to with these concerns? I could not turn to the family and friends because I had told them clearly that my life was mortgaged to A.A. and if I started to question A.A. in front of them, their fears would kick in surrounding relapse and death and they too would tell me to raise these concerns within my group, talk to my sponsor or go back to aftercare, or basically, turn to A.A. But that question kept coming back, what if A.A. was indeed the problem I kept running to? It did not take me long to acknowledge that there was no one alive I could question this program with openly because the instant response would be to go back to what I was increasingly becoming aware was the problem, A.A. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the severity of the problem suddenly became immediately obvious when I decided I had to get out of A.A. because I realised I couldn’t. I would lose everything. I had become more dependent on A.A. than I had ever been on alcohol or drugs; frightening. I made a decision to conduct this investigation, but to continue to go to meetings and fulfil my commitments – I decided to fake it to make it, but this time not to make it in A.A., but to make it out of A.A. I have to be honest my resolve to do this was very small because to prove myself right was more frightening than proving myself wrong. To begin with I was almost frantic and desperate in my attempts to prove myself wrong but the seed was planted. If this program could not withstand some scrutiny, then perhaps it was not worth anything, and perhaps it did not work – that was my rational to persevere with my own questions. My fear was steeped in my belief that I would drink if I did not adhere to the principles set out in A.A. but I knew that if I drank (not that I have wanted to) that would only serve to reinforce my dependence on A.A., which was infinitely more terrifying. Thus I had ceased to stay sober because of A.A., I had begun to stay sober in spite of A.A.

But the problem still remained; I had been completely isolated from both A.A. and the family, and my friends outside of A.A. For days I deliberated with how I would broach this issue. The prospect seemed too daunting. I anticipated being stopped before I could finish explaining these things, of people preparing conditioned responses in their head before I had finished explaining, and thus not listening. Where would I start, who would I tell first? Would anyone believe me, would they think I am mad, would it all back fire and would my biggest fear be realised, an ultimatum to return to A.A. or else? I felt like a fraud, but in the interests of self-preservation, I kept quiet and continued to research late into the evening on my own. I have trawled the Internet, read all the A.A. literature again, as well as investigating A.A. I have investigated alternative treatments and therapies. I absolutely had to find some evidence that did not come from my own personal experience to seal this argument, because to attempt to prove this half-heartedly would be even more consequential than making no attempt at all. Then one evening I stumbled across a fact that is often hidden in the rooms, although I have heard murmurings of it before, the fact that A.A.’s success rate is put at 5%, and most surprisingly by itself! Success by A.A.’s own benchmark is 5 years or more of sobriety. Alone that is a shocking statistic, and begs the question, why is it regarded as the most effective treatment by 95% of the field?

The truth is people rarely succeed when following the path of those in AA. As stated previously, 95% of the existing treatment centers (sic) in the United States adhere to the 12 Step philosophies. Not surprising, the success rate of treatment is no different from the success rate of AA: 3%. (Retrieved here.)

For the purposes of this I will give A.A. the benefit of the doubt and not use the 3% success rate offered by the above extract, but rather use 5%. On the surface, worrying enough, especially if you believe A.A.s ‘fact’ that to drink is to die. Could it possibly be that 95% of the alcoholics who do not work the program die? I sincerely doubt it, and due to the anonymous nature of this program, something we will never know. Of course a rational human mind could argue that all humans die regardless of whether they drink or not, so to suggest that if an alcoholic drinks he will die, is as accurate as saying if he does not drink he will die. To clarify, if you work the program you will die is as true as saying if you drink you will die.

Then I made a connection – A.A. has an investment in relapse, but not only A.A. but any 12 step treatment centre. Remember I stated that if I was to drink now, despite everything I know, it would only serve to reinforce my dependence on A.A.? That is true whether I believed in the program or not. The more you drink, the more you need A.A. – in fact once you accept A.A.’s step one, all you have to do to need A.A. is breathe. If you drink, you need it, if you don’t you need it. Where is the choice? I will discuss a possible motive for why AA is still considered ‘effective’ later but for now I want to stick to the facts.

So armed with this knowledge the last thing I had to do for myself was go to a meeting and share exactly how I felt. I had to do this to prove to myself that AA was not tolerant of any form of criticism in an open meeting, even from one of its own members. It was the most unpleasant aspect of this whole ordeal. With 15 minutes to go I raised my voice in keeping with the protocol of the meeting and I began to share back to the speaker. I started identifying with him, because out of sheer fear I physically could not bring myself to openly air my concerns. But for some reason I suddenly came out with…

I don’t believe that at all. I have serious doubts over this whole thing, and I am sorry if that makes anyone uncomfortable, but this is an honest program and this is how I feel right now. What worries me most of all is the fact that I cannot leave A.A., even if I had a drink, you can’t even complete this program. I am more dependent on A.A than I ever have been on alcohol. I need to say these things regardless of the newcomer; surely we all know that censorship of any sort in here is more dangerous than anything it pretends to protect us from. (That is a factually true representation of what I said although I may have not used those precise words – but I had prepared it for almost 5 hours before the meeting.)

I felt 70 murderous eyes on me (although that is irrational, that is what it felt like) and half way through my share people began shuffling, moving their chairs and rattling keys – they can’t force you to do anything, but they can make you feel very uncomfortable. At the end of my share I challenged anyone feeling strong in their recovery to approach me for a chat. It should be noted that a belief is instilled in us that if we share against the program we could be contributing to someone’s relapse – hidden meaning, criticism of the program is tantamount to murder – to drink is to die. The meeting ended and we all got in a circle and said the serenity prayer, chanting ‘it works if you work it!’ I am sure, being rational human beings, you will have some idea of how uncomfortable that was for me.  I am finding it desperately hard not to get too angry as I write this but it is difficult not to.

One man came up to me at the end and asked to speak to me outside. I am not sure why it had to be outside, probably something to do with power. (I have to be honest in this, and I never felt physically threatened – I do not want to paint an inaccurate picture of the situation, even if it would bolster my argument – I have been committed to the truth from the outset of this research.) He told me I needed to look at step 2, which is code for, you need to find God. I told him I had come to A.A. to get sober, not to find God. He informed me it was part of the program, to which I replied, ‘and if I don’t work the program I will drink, right?’ He nodded. I then added, ‘and if I drink I will die?’ He nodded. I ended the conversation with this...
           
So you are saying that if I do not believe in God, I can’t work this program, If I don’t work this program, I will drink, and if I drink I will die? If I believed that I’d rather die! Don’t you think that is a dangerous message to give vulnerable people?

At this point he began to turn around, and I put my hand out to shake his, after all he had come to talk to me. He shook it, and I wished him luck. That was the last time I went to a meeting, which was Thursday (16th Feb) last week.

What of the argument that you can believe in anything as long as it is a power greater than yourself? It just does not wash because in Step 11 it is ‘suggested’ that we ‘improve our conscious contact with God as we understand him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out.’ If we put that in context, remembering that A.A. is the suggested Higher Power for a lot of members, how would you pray to A.A.?

If reaching this conclusion was not enough, I am left with the question of what to do now. As I have stated I am very confused, but my desire to drink has not returned. I think I am alcophobic if there is such a thing, but that does not mean I am ok. I no longer see staying sober as the be all and end all – it is not the benchmark on which I base my quality of life. Please do not see that as an admission of a desire to drink, because it is not. I have had to be incredibly disciplined over the last month in terms of mind management, and the process of unlearning this program is well underway, but to acknowledge these things is not enough. They are so deeply instilled in me, I am not sure that I will ever be safely able to drink again, despite all this. I want to seek informed professional advice on this matter. Being in isolation for the last three months has allowed me to consider for the first time what I want, what I think the issue is, instead of being told what it is, which is what has happened since I was 19. Sadly I have been under this ‘spell’ since that time, and not only when I have been attending meetings, but for all the time I have believed in the myth of step one. It is devastating to reach these conclusions, but surprisingly not as hopeless as I imagined it might feel. Being in my room crying alone on several evenings over the last 3 months, considering the sacrifices we have made as a family in our belief of this program, and the prospect of realising these losses, and the fact that we have been exploited, is terrible. To sit here and recall all the conversations I have had with you about alcohol, life and A.A. is humiliating. I do not know how you will take this, and whether you will believe it or not, I don’t know very much at the moment, except that I want myself back. That is all. Where do I start? I don’t know. Where do I look? I don’t know. Can I do it? Yes, and I will. Damn, from the age of 10 I have given myself a hard time, and now that has to stop. It is not about powerlessness, it is about self-empowerment. It is not about dependence on A.A. or anything – living alone over the last three months I have learned one thing, I am a resilient person. I don’t think I have ever been insane. Have I been foolish? Yes. Have I indulged in folly? Yes. Am I fool? No. It is time we bring into perspective what I have done, and not imagine what I might do, filling us with fear, the very fear that feeds our reliance on A.A. I am more likely to die in a car, than I ever am of heroin or alcohol. Fact. We need to face the truth in order to remove these irrational fears. I can only say these things because that is what I have had to use to survive the last few months. If there is one thing that has given me the strength to get through the past few months, it has been being true to myself. It’s such a cliché, but it is so right.

I want to add now some thoughts I have had that I cannot prove because I want to be sure to cover everything in this, as I believe it is critical that I do not go back there. I have been so rigorous in this whole process, doubting my own sanity at times, and even believing that I am paranoid – I am not. The most obvious question has to be why is this allowed to go on? The simple answer to that is the fact that A.A. is effectively untouchable. This is because of the principle of anonymity and the fact it has no leaders. If you wanted to go after A.A., if you wanted to go to the top of A.A. and thus get some answers, or attempt to bring it down, you couldn’t. There are no leaders. If you phoned the helpline and asked to speak to whoever runs A.A., they could not put you through to anyone. Where would you start? If you imagine a pyramid of power in a normal organisation with the boss at the top, and the workers below him, A.A. is in effect an upside down one. A.A. is literally run by its members reducing it to anarchist rule. There is no power structure in A.A., which ironically gives it its power. In order to remove it you would have to remove every member, but this coupled with anonymity, renders that virtually impossible. Another reason A.A. gets away with so much is because of the myth that it has helped some people. I am not going to mince my words here; I believe it is a cult, based on one simple criteria, the barriers to exit, which my own experience has proved are huge. Even when I wanted to leave I had to stay and go to exhaustive lengths to prove I do not belong there. My fist clenches when I consider most of the people I know in A.A. would not be able to put this kind of argument together; they’d be too scared, not have the motivation, would not be brave enough to essentially destroy themselves, not have the insight to gain the hope to persevere, would not have the knowledge to get the information I have got, etc. If you think being in a cult is better than being a drunk, then A.A. has done some good. No one wants to be the person who brings down an institution that is hailed as saving so many lives and restoring so many hopeless people to sanity. But with that figure being no more than 5%, you have to ask, does it do more harm than good? Does it create more alcoholics, than it recovers? If you believe my interpretation of step one, then the answer has to be yes.

Throughout this whole process the one question that has been excruciatingly hard to answer is the question of motive. What does A.A. get out of this? A.A. makes no profit, so it can’t be money, or is it? If you were to look at A.A. you would have to deduce that the likelihood is that in truth it makes very little money, and any money it does make is put back into it. Due to the lack of a power structure and central rule, any fraud would have to be petite, if at all. Any treasurers in A.A. are replaced every two years, in keeping with its internal rules. You may ask how this is enforced with no leaders, but it is stringently adhered to and is enforced by its members. Once I realised that I ceased to investigate financial reward as a possible motive. But a thorough investigation, and a much closer inspection revealed that I had been looking in the wrong place. There is more to A.A. than its meetings. Whilst searching the Internet I came across an article titled, ‘The Business of Addiction.’ It then dawned on me that A.A. does not make money, but that does not mean other organisations don’t make money out of A.A. The obvious example is of course, treatment centres. Without A.A., which is what they sell, they would have no product. A.A is the product. Treatment centres are the primary feeder for A.A. groups, because they rely on A.A. to survive. This is where I want to bring back to the fray my suspicion that A.A. has an investment in relapse. A.A.’s investment is that relapse increases dependence, but for a 12 step treatment centre, relapse (or relapsers) may as well be called what normal businesses would call a repeat customer. Again this leads to the question, but if people relapse, why do they go back? Well The ******* did not ‘cure’ mum, it did not ‘cure’ me, and yet I almost went back there. ******* ***** did not ‘cure’ me, but I still went back there. This is because its not that the program did not work, it’s that I did not work it, or so they sell it to us. And what is the first message they tell you when you arrive? A.A. is the only way, so as soon as you relapse you go back to them in belief of this, blaming yourself for not working the program. The majority of people in treatment with me had been in treatment at least once before.  I cannot find the statistic, but somewhere it states that the more expensive the treatment the less effective it is. In other words, it pays to fail in the business of addiction. And what is the criteria of a relapse? It is the use of any chemical. The rules are unrealistic, but failure feeds this whole beast, and our failure is their success.

All in all very scary stuff – but not unfounded. The things contained in this have such huge repercussions that most people would never consider them, especially those indoctrinated with a belief in the A.A. program. Your initial reaction I suspect was to be very suspicious, but somehow I think you will come to see that this makes much more sense than a program that expects people to believe it is good on the bases that it places God at the head of its organisation. One reason perhaps that A.A. is able to go on, is the fact that alcoholics have very little credibility through the consequences of their drinking, and societies acceptance of the ‘principles’ of A.A.. It takes a lot of courage, more than I can ever ever ever put into words, to challenge this thing, simply because the chances are someone will remind you where you came from and that you are nothing but a drunk. I don’t buy that shit anymore. Treatment centres should be called alcoholic factories, because that is what they produce. I am not even sure as a society we have any idea what constitutes a true alcoholic anymore. In treatment if you have a problem that might be caused by alcohol, you’re an alcoholic. End of share, no compromise. You reach what feels like a rational defence to these accusations as I did when I was 19, my defence being I had not really drunk, queue denial. This is a dangerous precedent, no, to borrow a word from A.A., it is a lethal precedent. How many people have drunk themselves to death believing they were alcoholics? And what can we do about it? For now that is not my concern, but one day I will come back to this, and I will get some answers. The urgency of now is for me to replace my dependence on A.A. with something healthy, and to remain sober for the time being. Ironically, staying sober is the one thing that has allowed me to escape from all this.

I know this is going to cause you huge sadness, but really we need to look at the positives as much as we can, and to start, I am out of it now. Let’s take some time to let the dust settle and take this in. There is nothing pleasant about this experience, but I have already begun the process of looking at those good things A.A. gave me in terms of bait, and trying to keep them, whilst losing all the negative attributes. Life has to go on, and with that I am going to continue doing what I have been doing that has worked for me, which includes staying sober. I don’t want to be labelled an alcoholic or an addict and wear the shame like a medal for the rest of my life. Once I have recovered from recovery, I believe that is possible, but if I can win the battle with A.A. (ie get away from it), which I believe gave me alcoholism, that is a good start. I am not pretending this is going to be easy, but somehow over the last three months I have had some kind of inner strength I have never felt before, and a real determination to get to the bottom of this. I am not sure, but I think I might have had some belief in myself. That gives me pride, and yes, I am proud of having the courage to look at this despite the fact that everyone in my world was telling me not to. The consequences of challenging this are still here and are about to arrive – I don’t really have any friends outside of A.A., but this is not something that is impossible to correct. I shall send a copy of this letter to all my close friends because this is what it will take to get them not to indoctrinate me with my own indoctrination with regard to not going to meetings.

 

All my love,

J

 

 

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