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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." (Henny Youngman)
Letters
Hi, James
Congratulations on the new site and thanks for emailing the site of our new
meeting in Colchester.
For the benefit of UK-based visitors, it is
www.aa-nomusts.org.uk
Below is an article I have written which is in this month's Share magazine.
I am more conciliatory in the article than I feel inclined to be (a spoonful
of sugar and all that) and, in fairness, it's good of them to publish it and
to flag it on the front page.
Please post it if you think it won't be too dull.
It is routinely suggested in AA that recovery is dependent on developing a
working faith in a higher power. I have not found that to be the case and
would like to record the experience I have gained in sobriety.
I began this period of sobriety, my second in AA, in January 1999. I was
convinced of my alcoholism and willing to do what was necessary to recover.
From my first time around, I had a rough idea that that would involve
finding a way to live sober through the steps.
I spent a short period going to meetings and looking around for people who
had what I wanted. I found them and, soon after, I took part in a Big Book
study and did the steps.(The major downside of this approach to recovery is that the reverence it
can inspire for the text sometimes leads to fundamentalism and intolerance,
but its upside is better quality of life for many of those who complete it
and this was what I got).
Whilst I had been an atheist for as long as I could remember, I was willing
to believe. The importance of this was impressed quite strongly upon me by
people I liked and respected (and still do), motivated by their sincere
convictions formed by personal experience
I picked up a daily practice of step eleven and made a sincere effort to
acquire faith, but it did not come. Quietly and quite soon after, I stopped
seeking and reverted to my former position of non-belief.
I had a period of keeping my own counsel, feeling that there was still a
pressure to conform in regard of spiritual matters and wanting to be sure
before speaking up in AA.
After a while, I decided to be clearer and more open within the fellowship
about my views and experience, partly out of a wish to be myself, but mostly
for the following reason.
I’m still in AA mainly to help the suffering alcoholic and, especially,
anyone who is being led to believe that s/he will drink and die if they
don’t adopt a set of beliefs and practices that they cannot accept.
I have been met with acceptance and/or concern from some members and a
mixture of surprise and enthusiasm from others, particularly among the newer
ones.
I have been patronised too, though there has been no outright hostility.
(The most common response has been to let me get on with it and I think
that’s a good sign that we probably aren’t a religious organisation).
Instead of trying to re-write the steps to reflect my beliefs, as many
atheists and agnostics seem to try to do, I have come to some pretty simple
conclusions, among them the fact that steps two, three, six, seven and
eleven can’t be part of my life. I am quite happy with that.
I know I am powerless over every drink but the first one, so I stick to the
decision to remain totally abstinent that I made after my last drink.
My life had obviously become unmanageable, so I manage it differently,
rather than placing it under new management as step three would have me do.
I am not (and never have been) insane and do not believe in a power greater
than myself as it is meant in AA.
Taking inventory, discussing it with someone else and making amends are the
tools I have used to manage better and the state of my life and the ease of
staying sober suggest that it is working.
I live a very normal life these days, being happily married, professionally
successful and socially active and I don’t believe I’m really any different
from the non-alcoholics with whom I spend most of my time, except that they
can drink. Being married to a social drinker and moving in wider circles
than when I was drinking has helped me to see the similarities.
I don’t subscribe to notions in sobriety of ‘typical alcoholic behaviour’ or
of the stereotypical alcoholic who is unable to think straight. I think
these concepts are open to a great deal of abuse and often seem to diminish
the self-esteem of those who buy into them. Powerless, when applied to
matters other than alcohol, will come to mean useless or hopeless for some
people and, since low self-esteem appears to be a common trait in many
alcoholics, this can cause serious problems, rather than being a part of any
solution.
I prefer an approach that allows the individual to build that esteem by
giving her/himself credit for any success they might have. (People of faith
will doubtless say that their belief in a God who loves them helps them to
feel good about themselves and I would not argue with that. I have no wish
to convert anyone to my beliefs or to equate faith with self-abasement).
When I sponsor people now we go through as much of the Big Book and the
steps as is consistent with their beliefs. The results have been the same
with atheists, agnostics and believers. They have retained their earlier
belief, stayed sober and become happier in their sobriety.
I don’t know whether faith without works is dead or not, but to my delight
and relief, I have found that works without faith can be very much alive.
Anthony
ColchesterAnthony,
Firstly I think your letter is fantastic and I am somewhat encouraged by the Share magazine editorship that they decided to publish it in approved literature. My real problem with AA is that due to the traditions it will never change. These pressures you have been strong enough to overcome, may be too powerful for a lot of newcomers to do the same. What you are doing is a good start, but it is just that. AA needs to push this possible route of recovery more and rewrite its literature to reflect this open-mindedness that it so encourages its membership to practice. A belief in step one alone could keep people drunk. I am glad you flag in your article that you do not believe you are powerless over the first drink, unlike Bill Wilson in the Big Book:
“We are without defense against the first drink.” (Chapter 2, Bill Wilson, Big Book.)
And…
“When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go permanently insane.” (Chapter 2, Bill Wilson, Big Book.)
And…
“Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.” (Chapter 3, Bill Wilson, Big Book.)
These, in my opinion, are dangerous messages to give vulnerable people. Being willing to believe in a Higher Power and being pressured into believing in one with fear inducing tactics, are two different things. I have a feeling that you are the exception to the rule and have shown a great deal of strength in doing AA your way. As you well know this is not encouraged in the rooms. Whenever I have told people in the rooms I do not believe a Higher Power, or God, is keeping me sober, they have always smiled and said, “Neither did I for the first few years; it will come.” You tackle the feeling of feeling ‘less than’ when this belief does not come. Messages like, ‘It will come,’ only make people like they are missing something. Why did we all come to AA in the first place? To deal with our drink problem, and if that is what is happening in our lives, why do we need to wait for a belief in a Higher Power, or indeed, God to come? I choose not to attend AA meetings because I don’t feel I can sit in a meeting and be ‘Honest’ with all the people in there. I like myself, I always have, and when I say this in the rooms, the mood seems to drop dramatically. I also don’t feel the need to wear my gratitude in AA like a medal. In fact I have very little gratitude for AA proper; I am grateful to a few members, but expressing my gratitude in my ‘experience, strength and hope’ would not be the truth. AA has harmed me on many levels. That is not to say it has not helped me at all, but I feel as though AA has done me more harm than good. This is not the message members of AA want shared in their meetings. There is a false mood created in most of the meetings I attended that pander to this unwritten rule, that we all have to admire AA for what it has done for us, but we cannot, under any circumstances, ever be honest and share the damage AA has done to us. Dangerous…and hypocritical. The argument being that to share honestly about the negative in a meeting might put off a newcomer, and as such I was always encouraged to share these thoughts alone with my sponsor. But that is ridiculous; if we could share honestly, the good, the bad and the ugly in AA, AA could be safe, but they all want to be hypnotised by fairytale stories of spiritual awakenings, and religious conversion to Bill Wilson’s Higher Power. The saddest day arrives when people begin to believe their own lies.
I also think that the Share magazine editorial team probably decided that it would be good PR to include your letter as it reveals a more open-minded approach to AA and thus fits in with the whole ‘suggestion’ approach that AA wants us to believe all its meetings adhere to. This is simply not the truth. Any newcomer reading your article will be inclined to believe that AA only recommends the 12 Steps, but I wonder how much resistance these newcomers might face once they start sharing about this. As for what the oldtimers will think; that is anybody’s guess, but I suspect it won’t mean a thing to them, because in their heart of hearts they know AA has never changed, can’t change, and thus, will never change.
Whilst I respect your attempts to make a difference in AA, I cannot agree with your approach to sobriety altogether, but it is very much better than the one prescribed by the Big Book, The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, and the vast majority of AA’s members. Your group will be regarded as a splinter AA meeting; until ‘No Musts’ is fully adopted by AA as a whole, AA will continue to harm more people than it claims to help. I do not want to be overly cynical about what you are doing, but I feel the need to highlight it is simply one meeting. People end up at meetings all over the world and the truth is no one ever knows what message they are going to receive. They may end up at your meeting in Colchester, or they may end up at the other meetings that the rest of the 2,000,000 strong fellowship attend, and be told that if they do not find a power greater than themselves, they will drink, and if they drink, they will die. I will end on Bill Wilson’s most damaging words that appear in the 12 Steps and The 12 Traditions:
"Unless each A.A. member follows to the best of his ability our suggested Twelve Steps to recovery, he almost certainly signs his own death warrant." (12 Steps and Twelve Traditions, Bill Wilson, pg. 174).
But thank you for your efforts. Keep up the good work and let us know how it goes.
J a m e s G
PS Do you think Share would post a link to the Orange Papers or to Blame Denial? (Joke)
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Dear James,
This is my experience in AA and I feel a warning is proper here.
Since this is a true and accurate account of what I experienced in AA
there will be some very bad words, but editing the words will take
away from the serious nature of the events. So if bad words offend,
just try to skip over them.First I need to explain that I suffer from mental illness. I
have been diagnosed as bi polar. I have taken all kinds of anti
depressants and mood stablizers over the years, everything from
Thorzine, Melleril, elvil, Prozak Tegretal and many more that I have
forgotten the names of. It all started in September of 1971 when I
was admitted to Terrell state mental hospital, but when I was 19
years old. This was 3 years before I started drinking, maybe 4. I
first was in a diagnostic clinic to evaluate my condition and this is
where I first met the infamous doctor I will be talking about. This
doctor knew I did not drink and it was his decision to send me to
Terrell for treatment. Many years later this same doctor refused to
treat me and recommended me to AA because in his opinion I was just a
drunk and did not have a mental illness. But I am jumping ahead of
myself.I spent 2 months in the hospital and at that time I was not
diognosed bi polar and was just considered clinically depressed and
was sent home with Melareal. I may not spell these drugs correctly,
but will try to spell them so you can know which ones I was on. I
did not want to admit I was mentally ill and needed medication so I
quit taking my medication. this lead to severe depression and
suicidal and even homicidal tendencies. I lost many good jobs due
to my inability to cope with every day problems. I started drinking
because all my friends did and I wanted to fit in. It was not long
before I started self medicating. That is an excuse us mentally ill
people use to get drunk. I did not know at the time that heavy
drinking leads to even more depression after you sober up.
Okay now you know about how the abusive drinking got started. The
more depressed I got the more I drank to ease the pain and the more I
drank, the more depressed I got. Of course I do have my stories of
beating my first wife, getting pick pocketed by hookers as I walked
out a bar and so on and so forth.
I could control my drinking when I wanted to except when I would
get suicidal or homicidal and then if I drank, I could not stop until
I was so drunk I could not walk At first I was a mellow drunk and I
did not hit my wife while drunk, but later that changed. I could go
years without drinking, but as time went on, if I started i could not
stop. This is why I did not consider myself an alcoholic because in my
family all the alcoholics we had could not go a half a day without
getting drunk.My life was such that eventually i would start drinking no matter
how long it had been since my last drink. In 1989 I divorced my first
wife but remarried her a year later just to divorce her again for
good in November of 1991. I had parent problems, wife problems and
then no wife and no girlfriend and job problems so I drank. Also in
the mid 1980's I had to be hospitalized again and this is when I was
diognosed as bi polar. I began a habit of trying to not commit
suicide by getting very drunk and while drunk I would go to the
hospital to get help because I knew when I sobered up, I would commit
suicide. This is the mistake I started making because that doctor
that first met me in 1971 started seeing me come in drunk, so he
decided I was just an alcoholic and he got tired of seeing me. I know
this because he told me so.Well now you know the pattern I was developing and I also started
noticing in the early 1990's I was developing that alcoholic nose.
You know the perpetually red nose from alcohol poisoning. The puffy
red face. I was going through a very rough time and I wanted help and
had already decided to quit drinking, but I wanted to go to the
hospital one last time, get back on medication and start
actually trying to turn my life around, but this did not happen.
In April of 1991 I got drunk and went to the hospital for help and
the doctor refused to help me. He almost put me in a straight jacket
for no reason. I say no reason because when I went to the hospital
that last time, he was off duty for 5 days and I was doing fine until
he came back and he was mad and put me in ICU, the place where the
really crazy people are. I asked for a meeting with him and he
started yelling at me trying to provoke me. I did not provoke. He
tried all kinds of tactics to get me to do something so he could put
a straight jacket on me and finally he told me I was a fool and
needed to start treating people good instead of walking all over them
and he named a guy that really did me wrong, but even then I thought
I was in control although I was mad a hell and I had thrown much
larger fits in front of his doctor before and he did not put me in
ICU or a straight jacket, but this time I was already in ICU as soon
as he found out I was back and when I cussed when he made me mad, he
put me in a straight. As i sit ther a grown man I started crying and asked
him why he did this. That is when he confessed he was getting tired
of seeing me and in his opinion I was a fucking alcoholic and he was
not going to help me. He said he was going to keep me in with the
crazies to teach me a lesson. So i just told him since he put me in a
straight jacket and ICU, I was going to starve myself until he
decided to help me or until I died. He then took the straigh jacket
off me, but sent me back to ICU. I started starving myself and he had
another meeting with me asking why I was doing this and I had to
remind him that I told him I was going to do that because I needed
help, and he was taking this personally and was refusing to help me.
I convinced him I would die of starvation if he did not take me out
of ICU, so he then put me back in with the other patients.I was getting no help, but did take some tests and the other doctors
asked me why I was not on medication yet because they had decided
what type I needed and wanted me to start taking them so i could get
on the road to recovery. when I told them about the main doctor
having a vendetta against me they got mad and started trying to
convince him that I was sick, but he refused to listen and a few days
later he had signed all the papers and I was getting released against
my will and he told me all I needed to do was go to AA meetings and I
would be okay. I asked him if he remembered me from 1971 and he said
he did and even then he believed me to be an alcoholic waiting to
happen, this made no sense to me at all. When another doctor saw I was
being released, she asked me about it and I just told her that the
main doctor thought if I went to AA meetings I would be okay and that
he refused to prescribe any medication because in his opinion I was
just an alcoholic. She asked me how I felt and if I thought I could
make it and I was honest and told her I was going to go home and kill
myself, and after I said that she went in the main doctors office
and closed the door and we all heard some very loud yelling and when
she came out, she took my release papers away and told me I was going
to another hospital for treatment.Well during this time a woman I had thought I was in love with got
released and I was afraid I would lose her so I played the system and
went to the main doctor and told him I felt I was an alcoholic and if
he released me I would go to AA meetings, so he still had to
prescribe me medication, but he then released me, never to see me
again.On Memorial day of 1991 I went to my first meeting and met a biker
who I thought i could trust. I was told about the 90 meetings in 90
days and was told that no one could tell me i was an alcoholic, but
me and that I could take what I could uses and reject the rest, but
they lied. After a few days of making one meeting a day, I asked the
fellow biker to be my sponsor, which was a mistake. The very first
thing he told me to do was to go home and flush my medication down
the toilet and if I did not promise to do that, he was not going to
let me go home until I promised, so I promised and did do just that.
I really had no problems not drinking because I always could not
drink for months or even years.My main problem is whenI felt like a good Christian, I did not drink, but if I felt I was letting God down, I drank. This time I
really wanted to stop drinking for life and was using AA as a support
group to help me develop the desire to want to not drink at all. I
still did not consider myself an alcoholic and even said so in
meetings and confessed that I was just using AA as a support group
and at first no one said anything, but as time went on I was being
told I was an alcoholic and if I did not start saying I was an
alcoholic that I would start drinking again and die the death of an
alcoholic. Well I started saying I was an alcoholic and my sponsor
was proud when he started doing the steps with me and I confessed I
was powerless/ Then in meetings I started confessing that I was
powerless only when I drank and that My goal was to just not drink so
therefore I would not be powerless. Eventually my sponsor and the
others during group would start fussing at me and I was not allowed
to go with my sponsor when they would go and visit a drunk and help
sober him up. I was finally told that I could not go because I was
not working the program. This confused me because I was not drinking.
Finaly I was told that I must start believing in the AA higher power
and stop saying I was addicted to alcohol and start admitting I had a
disease and needed god's help to stay sober. I was told I had to work
the spiritual side of AA or die the death of an alcoholic and that I
could not go with anyone and help those who were drunk because I
would kill them with my theories. I was told that my belief that I
was not powerless would kill fellow alcoholics.One day I was so very depressed that my sponsor took me aside and
tried to help, but after 2 hours of him telling me I was a low life
and not good for anything and how I needed to get with the program
and admit that I was powerless and had a disease and admit I was
just the scum of the earth and need god, I was really ready to die
then. I went home and it took all my strength to not kill myself that
day.when my sponsor first took me on, he invited me to his house and he
showed me a tape of his last day drunk, then he took me to his room
and opened his closet and took out a very illegal sawed off shot gun
about 10 to fifteen inches total length. He told me how he got it by
payment for drugs when he was still dealing and how one day he was on
pcp and other drugs including meth and he had to keep busy and that
is when he sawed it off and made it to look like a movie prop. He
then unloaded it and stuck it in my face and told me to always do as
he says and not question him and all would be okay. then he took it
away laughing as he reloaded it and put it back in his closet.Now I did not think a lot about this at first, but the more I refused to
conform to my sponsors will, the more violet he seemed to become. He
would brag on me one minute because I was the easiest person he ever
had to keep from drinking, but just because I admitted to taking what I
could use and rejecting the rest, he would get in my face and tell me I must
go AA all the way or die the death of a drunk.The straw that broke the camels back is one day my sponsor bragged on me
and then told me to go with him to another group to hear him speak and I
refused and he got mad and then started to tell me I cannot separate the
spiritual aspect of AA and must work it in a spiritual way. This opened
the door for me to tell him I had been thinking about that and if I must be
spiritual, I had decided to go back to church and that would be the spiritual
side and still remain in AA. I was going to 9 meetings a week and had been
for about three months and I thought since I was only going to go to church
once a week and still go to AA 9 times that he would be okay with this, but
he get really mad, got in my face, clinched his fists, started yelling" Fuck the
church. the church does not have God, AA does, I demand that you fuck the
church and go AA all the way or hit the fucking door and not come back until
you admit you are powerless and willing to work AA all the way. Remember
our little talk in my bedroom a few months ago?" With this statement I left AA
and never returned. I took his statement as a threat on my life because that
incident in his bedroom is when he took out the shotgun.I decided then to see if I was really an alcoholic. AA teaches if you want to
know if you are an alcoholic or not try some controlled drinking and if you
cannot your drinking, then you are an alcoholic.I started drinking again around November or December of 1991 after leaving AA and found I cannot drink at
all, so I decided to get drunk one last time on my 40th birthday Feb29,1992.
I have not drank since and have even winged myself off psyche drugs and I have
by my own power learned to live a normal life without AA or therapists or church.Steve Thrash
Steve,
Thank you for your letter. It is well written and raises some very interesting points about the dangers of AA membership. It would be easy for us to focus on the damaging words of your sponsor and your interpretation of the events that took place in his bedroom, however I have always been keen to keep individuals out of this debate and remain focused on the principles in AA that are so dangerous. That does not take away from the fact that this experience with your sponsor must have been terribly frightening, but as with all societies, AA will have its out and out nutters! You make it very clear that you do not believe you are powerless over alcohol in the way AA would have you believe, and that you have remained sober through a belief in yourself and long may it last. I would recommend anyone who has other mental issues other than alcoholism to read it.
Well done and let us know how it goes. Oh, and fantastic work on the forums by the way.
J a m e s G
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good website
Thanks - glad you liked it; keep it simple, hey?
Let us know how it goes and hang in there.
J a m e s G
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Hey James,
Great new videos.
Do the steps or DIE.
Once I get some distance from AA, I realise how terrible that message is to tell people. Your video bought it home to me.
I am in contact with a guy from Essex who has set up an AA meeting called 'no musts'. Be good if it takes off. Pity not one in London.
James
Hi James,
Good to hear from you again. Glad you liked the videos.
Above you will see an email from the man that set up the ‘No Musts’ meeting.
Take care,
J a m e s G
Hey James,
You say along the lines of: "when I saw people in desperation, distress, and felt pain and sympathy, was nothing but my own fears". (here) For me, all that I thought was good about myself - my social conscious, my sympathy with weakness, my humanist learning's, were suddenly redefined as mere manifestations of ego, of pride, and of my other defects. I could claim nothing good for myself. All that I had thought was good, meant nothing. Does that make sense?
You go onto say 'I am merely a frame of appetites" - I went from seeing myself as relatively shy, but alright, young bloke - to a egotistical maniac with desires and defects. I reframed the way I saw myself. I know now that is what cults do - eventually I gave in, so sick and shocked I was at my self, and I surrender. All good thoughts were the program, all bad were my defected, diseased character.
You note that 'fear' means being 'self consumed'. I realise now that is what AA thinks fear is. And the 'ego' causes it. What a load of crock. Imagine going to a doctor and him saying you have anxiety because you have a 'big ego'. Cruel.
Loads more - the bit about your parents and your friends - what if they are selfish too - yes, the longer in AA I was the darker I saw everyone else. I began to see my mother as a sick egotistical person - all because she is mildly neurotic!
Did that all make sense???
Just some of the the things I noticed in your writings.
JamesJames,
Yes it all made sense. I do not want to add too much to that except to say that I am very pleased that posting some of my writing from my AA days have helped to clarify your own feelings and thoughts.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write these things.
Take care,
J a m e s G
Hey James,
Noticed in your web pages there are a few peoples stories – so I thought I would chip in with mine.
Always appreciated and always useful. Thanks.
I started off drinking and smoking pot when in my early teens. Why did I start and why did I continue? Because it was intensely pleasurable. I also had many other interests: fishing, football, and hanging out with my mates. Good times, basically. I flunked my GCSES. I then moved, with my family, to London– away from my ‘bad crowd’ – and hoped that I could find a decent college and start to get somewhere academically. Looking back, I was intensely insecure at this time of my life, away from my friends, and I found salvation in roaming the bars in London, mostly on my own, meeting other people who were on their own roaming bars! I also got heavily into the rave scene, and class A drugs were rapidly becoming part of my ever increasing nights out. I became erratic: I had no friends in London, and I found the loneliness suffocating. As a way to cope, probably the worst way to cope, I would drink and get drunk. And the more I drank, the lonelier I became. I moved out of my parents, hoping that the independence would kick start my life – but instead it just gave me a guilt free ride to drink to oblivion; schooling fell by the wayside, and I could just about manage to keep a lowly civil service job. I drank often, I took drugs often, I was anxious and depressed for a good two years. I became very ‘unwell’. Eventually, enough was enough, so I went to AA and I put down the drink.
That roaming you refer to is interesting. It is an awful feeling to feel so alone and only to find solace in the bottle and drugs. Sounds very much like my own story. I used to say that drinking and drugging were great ways to meet people, but also a sure fire way to lose friends. You describe the downward spiral very well – drink (or drugs) for a time become the solution but at some point they cross a line and become the solution to the very problems they are creating which results in a viscous circle.
AA was ‘instant love’. I was bathed and soothed by this instant love. I felt at one, at last, with people – that I was no different in a fundamental sense. I had felt such a weirdo in my drinking, watching my thoughts afraid that I was going mad. Alcoholics loneliness is different, I feel, to healthy, normal loneliness. And the instant love – the love in the looks, in the gestures, the warmth – all created a very profound feeling of salvation and comfort. I hung around with people, I did service, I raced all across London to various meetings. It was like I had a warm blanket over me at all times, whilst when I was drinking I felt that my very blood was icy cold. I sat on buses, musing about how great my life was going to be in AA. I had nothing, anymore to fear. Uncertainty had been wiped out of my life – and I could look people in the eyes.
Sounds like you found the people you yearned for in the ‘roaming’ days, and you thought there were no conditions to those friendships, like myself, until I realised I had to follow certain 'rituals' or practices to be accepted by the group. I relate to that feeling of salvation, as if I had been chosen. I always felt there was nothing to worry about anymore because if I was in AA I would never be alone. Other areas of my life did not matter so long as I was participating in AA and I was working the steps. I had a new home; a new castle to call mine. Meetings became my new fix, and I would feel ‘ill’ if I went a couple of days without a meeting.
However – after years of taking ecstasy and drinking thousands upon thousands of cans of Stella – my mental state was hardly healthy – and after my pink cloud experience described above, I sank into a profound and confusing depression. I developed OCD symptoms, and went on anti depression tablets – which eased the burden. I was confused because I was being taught things in AA that I had never expected before. It was made clear to me that alcoholics were not just men and women who had developed a dangerous habit, perhaps at harsh times in their life, but that they were egotistical, selfish, prideful people who needed humility and God to return them to sanity. This was a shock to me, and I tried to fit this new description into myself – I remembered parts of my past where I had been selfish, self-seeking, and these memories I accepted as evidence of my inherently sick and defective character. I felt floored – and I worked my way through the steps as I realised how fatally flawed I was. And I felt a ‘spiritual awakening’. The confusion and depression, then, came from believing things about myself that were highly detrimental. To get away from my own self I had to work the program. A circle followed. Me: bad, program: good.
Reminds me of the slogan, ‘You know nothing, the program knows everything.’ My AA writing’s page describes in detail how I felt much the same. The War on Self was rife in you by the sounds of things.
I can remember sitting in meetings carefully dismissing beliefs and values I had throughout my life: because they somehow did not fit into what I was being told was wrong with me. Its like: you cannot be a Muslim and a Rastafarian at the same time – and I couldn’t be myself and AA member at the same time – but boy did I try, and it was agonising, and destructive, and coercive. So, in the end, I left with a head half full of AA instilled beliefs – and also a wilful need to resist what was being required of me. I was caught between myself and AA. And I choose ‘me’.
That battle in one’s mind was what made me start to question this. I had always liked myself but AA was telling me I was bad and that I had to adhere to spiritual principles if I was not to get drunk. The process of deprogramming much of these beliefs is still ongoing and is a struggle even today for me. I can slip back into AA thinking without realising it, and making a decision without thinking of Step 3 or calling my old sponsor is still hard! The two questions that pop up in my mind are, what would I do, and what would the program suggest? I very nearly lost all my individuality at one point, but thankfully, I can say it is returning, albeit slowly. People who have experienced can understand this, but anyone who looks on AA favourably as an outsider has no idea about this internal struggle created by exposure to AA. To them AA is simply a place people go to get sober, no more, no less. They have no idea that AA states clearly that no one can graduate from its program and that to leave AA is to sign their "own death warrant."
I do believe that there is a time in AA where someone actually gives their whole minds to the program. A total mental re-organisation so that the person has literally shredded his old self. That is what I felt AA was trying to make me do – give myself entirely to ‘the program’ So I left. And ever since it has been a process of finding out what I learned in AA, and dismissing it – which is not easy. I am still filled with self doubt, and rage at times. I am three years sober, two of which was spent in AA.
Spot on and totally understood. Keep doing what you are doing that is working for you.
I have found the Orange papers and all the online books invaluable – and at last, as you have said, I have taken responsibility for my life – and just have an absolute desire to put this whole episode in perspective and move on. Move on. Wow, today I feel ‘moving on’ is actually a reality – without drink or drugs, and AA, I can focus on things that are new to me. I am doing a degree, I work and have recently applied for promotion, I fish, I play and watch football, I have friends who don’t love me instantly. Rather the relationships are based on trust and the gradual process of getting to know people better.
I feel my experience of AA is valid – because I believe it’s a common experience with people who are members of the recovery community.
Well done, James! I hope you continue to email this site with your experience. All your letters have been very much appreciated. I have to add, on the eve of the (football) World Cup (ooooh controversial) that I am very much excited! “Love me instantly…” Well put – balance being my new axiom for life! (Someone asked me the other day what my most favoured chat line used to be; I replied instantly, "My life story!" I suppose the message being like all of me or none of me - there was no balance. I think that fits in here somewhere!)
James
J a m e s G